My work is values-driven. Whether you're doing therapy with me, attending a workshop or retreat, taking a course, or reading one of my free guides, you can expect any and all of them to be informed by the following core values.
1) I believe everyone is deserving of great relationships.
Connection is not icing on the proverbial cake. It is a human need, just as vital as food and water. Our brains need safe attunement to develop properly, and as adults we thrive best when we live in authentic relationship with those around us. From family and friends to lovers and life partners, we are meant to thrive in relationships that are real, mutual, and emotionally alive. Intimacy is not a reward for being perfect. It’s your birthright.
And yes, I absolutely include you in “everyone!”
2) But I also believe that great relationships don’t just “happen.” We have to build them, brick by brick.
As my mentor Terry Real says, “If you want an extraordinary relationship, you have to be extraordinary in it.” Most of us didn’t grow up with models for that kind of intimacy. We were never taught the skills, and then we blame ourselves when things fall apart. I’m here to help you understand what makes relationships work -- and to support you in learning how to build the kind of connections you’ve always wanted.
3) I am not an expert on your life, but a guide empowering you to access your own wisdom.
Many therapists, wellness coaches, and consultants present themselves as some kind of guru in their chosen niche. In my world of relationships, humility, openness, flexibility, and curiosity reign supreme. It doesn't really make sense or feel authentic to me to speak in terms of absolutes and expertise for the sake of my marketing team! In fact, most of my clients need help loosening up on these rigid pressures to "do it right."
Instead, I consider myself a fellow traveler on the same path. I have learned a thing or two on my own journey that I want to share...I'd like to save you some trouble!
But the "expertise" I've gained is not really in telling you why you are the way you are, or how your relationships should look. It is in facilitating a process whereby you can free yourself of past constraints and access your own internal resources and wisdom.
4) I believe in showing up with vulnerability and authenticity.
Similarly, it doesn't make much sense to me to preach about vulnerability and authenticity and then hide behind a professional facade! I often joke that I didn't get into this line of work because relationships come easy to me. The last thing I want to do is present myself as perfect! I tend to use a lot of examples from my own life to show you how I work through ruptures and challenges in the real world.
5) I believe relationships are not one-size-fits-all.
Every relationship is a system with its own language, history, and heartbeat. I don’t offer formulas or rigid rules. Instead, I help people explore what works for them, guided by clarity, respect, consent, and care. I, myself, am monogamous, but frequently work with members of the poly/ethical non-monogamy community. I am prepared to support you regardless of your orientation or relationship style.
6) I value nuance and honor complexity and shades of gray.
Humans in general, and human relationships in particular, are quite complex! I take a nuanced approach to relationship dilemmas. Most problems are multi-causal and multidimensional. If a single person is an interconnected system of parts, a relationship is a super-system with many moving pieces both within and between partners!
The good news is, this means there are also many paths to workable, sustainable solutions. But in order to find them, we have to resist the temptation to neutralize complexity in favor of shallow solutions or unsustainable quick-fixes.
At the same time...
7) I value simplicity.
Although I honor complexity and nuance, parts of me also crave simplicity. Socrates' timeless admonishment that "the un-examined life is not worth living" has proven true in my experience, but something similar can probably be said of the "over-examined" life! I often roll my eyes at colleagues that seem compelled to analyze everything, sapping the joy and creativity out of the room. I often look for ways to simplify complex ideas, and believe all the learning in the world is useless if it isn't practical! I also believe in taking time to relax into this funny miracle of simply being alive.
8) I believe in developing a healthy "play ethic."
On a related note, I believe in developing a healthy relationship with work and play. Most people have been lectured about their "work ethic." Have you ever been invited to develop a "play ethic?" I'm here to help you live your best life. That certainly includes delaying gratification, getting organized, and doing hard things. But I think The Good Life also includes laughing, connecting, eating, drinking, being merry, love, sex, pleasure, dancing, painting, and anything else you can think of! Most adults have forgotten how to play, and passionless relationships are often lacking this area. (For a more detailed primer on play ethic, check out my blog article "Do Weird Shit!: A Unified Theory of Wellbeing.")
9) I believe my gifts are not wholly my own.
When it comes to relationships, I stand on the shoulders of giants. From authors I've studied from afar, to mentors who directly molded my views and approach to healing, to my own personal experiences and relationships, I cannot claim to be "self-made" in any regard. I see myself more as a vessel through which these insights pass. I certainly have my own takes, my own unique spins, and my own contributions, but growth and healing at their essences belong just as much to you as they do to me! As a result, I make a ton of my work available for free. Please feel free to share far and wide if something is helpful!
10) I believe in community-building.
My work largely focuses on romantic and intimate dyads, because those are the folks who most acutely experience distress, and they are the ones that historically seek help through psychological services. But couples do not exist in a vacuum. They are embedded in interconnected networks and communities. I believe humans thrive best in some version of community. I believe in actively nurturing community connections through service, art, play, entertainment, and more. I beleive many of the same skills for nurturing intimate relationships can be applied at a wider scale.
