INTENTIONAL DATING

“When you pick a partner, you pick a story. So what kind of story are you going to write?”

― Esther Perel

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About Intentional Dating Counseling

Dating, as with just about any human undertaking, involves two overlapping journeys: the external and the internal.

Outwardly, dating might be about getting someone to like you, hang out with you, sleep with you, marry you, etc. Often, we arrive on the dating scene only to realize that we lack a certain set of skills: how to approach a stranger; how to foster genuine conversation; how to build attraction; when and how to initiate sex; how to discern and communicate what we want out of a relationship. Most of us are not taught these skills and end up “learning on the job.” Struggles in these areas are often internalized as rejection, shame, and even a sense that we are unloveable.

Inwardly, dating is an opportunity to confront and heal all the mental junk we’ve been carrying around since birth. After all, nothing brings our insecurities roiling to the surface like putting ourselves out there! Uncomfortable though it can be at times, dating can be an invitation to heal shame, challenge self-limiting beliefs, and become more confident, authentic version of our Selves. Sex, love, and intimacy are often happy side-effects of this personal growth process!

As a therapist, I aim to assist you in clarifying your goals for dating and clearing up the mental and emotional blocks between you and the kind of relationships you want. Whether you’re looking for casual hookups, friends with benefits, or lasting love, I am here to support you in your dating journey, both external and internal!

Benefits of Intentional Dating

Learn to create authentic attraction without gimmicks, lines, pickup, tricks, seduction, negs, etc.

If you've perused any kind of widely-available dating help, you've probably been exposed to performative dating tactics -- like scripts, games, or seduction strategies -- instead of learning to cultivate genuine, lasting connection through authenticity. In therapy, we focus on building self-awareness, emotional presence, and clear communication, so you can attract others by showing up as your real, confident self. This approach fosters deeper, more meaningful relationships built on mutual respect and shared values.
Work through fear and anxiety

It's normal to have some "nerves" when it comes to dating, but fear and anxiety can quickly become debilitating, particularly when it is rooted in shame, self-doubt, and unprocessed negative experiences. Whether it’s fear of vulnerability, rejection, or repeating past patterns, we’ll explore the roots of your anxiety and develop tools to manage it. This helps you approach dating with greater calm, confidence, and emotional clarity.
Develop confidence and resillience

Intentional dating therapy helps you build the confidence and resilience needed to navigate the ups and downs of dating. Through self-reflection, skill-building, and emotional support, we strengthen your ability to stay grounded in your worth, handle rejection with grace, and pursue connection without losing yourself. This inner foundation allows you to date with courage, clarity, and self-trust.
Successfully date after breakup or divorce

Dating after a breakup or divorce presents its own set of challenges. You may believe you've "been out of the scene too long," or else feel "discarded," "used up," or generally overwhelmed. Together, we’ll process what you’ve been through, rediscover your values, and define what a healthy relationship looks like for you now. This thoughtful approach sets the stage for more meaningful, aligned connections moving forward.
Explore sexual fantasies, desires, and preferences

Dating often raises questions about sex -- what you want, what feels good, what aligns with your values, and, importantly, when and with whom you should do it! In therapy, we create a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore your sexual fantasies, desires, and preferences. Together, we’ll deepen your understanding of your sexual self so you can communicate with confidence, build trust, and create more satisfying, authentic connections.
Recover self-esteem potentially damaged by negative relationship interactions

Dating often brings up unresolved wounds from past relationships -- especially when those experiences damaged your self-esteem. In intentional dating therapy, we focus on rebuilding your sense of worth by challenging harmful messages you may have internalized and reconnecting you with your strengths. This process helps you approach dating from a place of confidence, self-respect, and emotional clarity.

Process unresolved rejection events

Unresolved rejection, whether subtle or deeply painful, can shape how you show up in dating. Common manifestations include become clingy and insecure, or dismissive and avoidant. In therapy, we create space to process past experiences of rejection that may still carry emotional weight. Together, we’ll explore these experiences, untangle lingering beliefs, and help you heal, so you can move forward with openness, self-worth, and resilience.
Confront self-limiting beliefs

Dating often drums up old stories about ourselves. These self-limiting beliefs may be quietly shaping your relationships-- such as “I’m not lovable” or “I always get hurt.” Self-limiting beliefs often stem from past experiences and can keep you stuck in unhelpful patterns. Together, we’ll reframe these narratives and build a more empowered, compassionate view of yourself so you can date with confidence and intention.
Explore identity in the context of dating

In the course of dating, it's likely that you will meet all manner of people who might have vastly different priorities, goals, and lifestyles. This human cornucopia is a great opportunity to explore and clarify your own identity free of the expectations, constraints, and limitations of previous relationships or family upbringing. Together, we’ll clarify your values, needs, and relationship goals, helping you show up with authenticity and self-awareness. This deeper understanding of yourself lays the foundation for healthier, more aligned connections.
Clarify goals of dating, sex, and relationships

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Clarify goals of dating, sex, and relationships

Do you know what you want out of dating? Are you looking for your next life partner? Just trying to have some fun? Unsure? Your answer to these questions will determine how you show up in dating relationships and how you communicate with potential connections. Together, we'll create a space to clarify what you truly want from dating, sex, and relationships -- free from outside pressure or past conditioning. We’ll explore your values, boundaries, and desires so you can move forward with a clear, aligned sense of purpose. This clarity helps you make more empowered choices and form connections that reflect your authentic self.
End relationships with integrity

I often say "it's ok to be a bad picker as long as you are a good ender!" Dating with intention means not only beginning relationships thoughtfully, but also knowing how to end them with honesty and care. In therapy, we explore how to communicate clearly, set respectful boundaries, and honor both your own needs and the other person’s experience. This helps you navigate endings with integrity, minimizing harm and creating space for growth and closure.

Common Reasons For Intentional Dating Counseling

Dating After Breakup or Divorce

In the aftermath of a breakup or divorce, one of the most common questions after the initial shock and turmoil is “when and how do I date again?” Dating after a long-term relationship or marriage brings its own complexities including:

Dealing with changes in dating landscape including online dating
Identity shifts from “partnered” to “single”
Questions about sex and sexuality
Concurrent grief of previous relationship
Feelings of guilt about dating
Shame and self-esteem issues from break up
Opting in or out of deliberate singlehood
Dating while co-parenting
Rebuilding social networks that may contain possible dating partners
Rebuilding life outside of dating

If you are dealing with any of these, I am here to compassionately guide your process so that you can have the kind of dating life you want and deserve.

Online Dating

The advent of online dating in recent decades represents a seismic shift in how humans meet and connect. But while opportunities for connection, pleasure, and even love abound, this technology brings challenges of its own. In a recent study, a majority of men (57%) reported feeling that they didn’t receive enough messages from people they were interested in while 1/3rd of women reported receiving too many messages. In the same study, 7 out of 10 respondents agreed that lying on dating platforms is a common occurrence. Some users, particularly young women, even report being harassed or sent unwanted messages or pictures. It’s clear that individual experiences with online dating platforms vary considerably.

Despite the drawbacks, the online dating genie is unlikely to go back in the bottle and will remain a popular way to meet people. If you’re considering online dating, I can help with the following:

Safely navigating the online dating world
Selecting from the myriad apps and services
Practical aspects of building a profile and initiating conversations
Managing emotions including feelings of rejection, fear, grief, lust, excitement, “dating fatigue,” & more
A “no gimmicks” approach to building attraction
Clarifying what you want out of dating
Laying the foundation of a healthy sexual and/or intimate relationship
How to be a “good ender” even if you aren’t a “good picker!”

(Full disclosure: I met my partner on a dating app and couldn’t be happier…so it definitely IS possible!)

Fear Of Rejection

Fear of rejection is a common concern when it comes to dating. This fear can be so overwhelming that it becomes paralyzing. Persons with this fear may opt to “play it safe” staying at home and avoiding situations where they might meet new people. This often has the effect of compounding loneliness and creating more pressure around rejection. The cycle of loneliness–fear–avoidance can take on a life of its own.

The problem here lies less with the “no” you might receive and more with the story you start telling yourself upon hearing it. Your thoughts might be overly negative, distorted, and/or judgmental. These thoughts — not the rejection itself — create the bulk of suffering.

When we think about it rationally, not everyone is going to be interested in you, and that’s OK. I make room to be disappointed that a potential connection didn’t pan out, but I am pretty adamant that no single human being has the power to dictate your worth! If you’re struggling with fear of rejection, let's talk about how I can help you liberate yourself from your own self-limiting mindset.

Approach Anxiety

A lot of my clients describe a sense of anxiety when it comes to striking up a conversation with someone new. This is commonly referred to as “approach anxiety” and it can be quite debilitating.

Fortunately, approach anxiety has almost nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with your own mindset and self-limiting beliefs…which means you can change it! I can help you reframe the way you approach so that you can meet people with more authenticity and confidence.

Overcoming approach anxiety is certainly a piece of the dating puzzle, but in my experience it is often over-emphasized. When it comes to dating “strategies,” I prefer building a lifestyle that attracts over an endless string of cold approaches, which to me feels a lot like selling vacuums door-to-door! If you struggle with approach anxiety, I’d like to help you overcome it while also assisting you in creating multiple other avenues for making connections.

Questions About Health Of A Dating Relationship

I often think of dating in terms of two big tasks. The first is getting a clear look at someone’s character. I like to borrow Robert Glover’s terms “Really Great Guy (RGG)” and “Really Great Woman!”

The next important task after determining that someone is a RGG or RGW is to decide what place they have in your life at this particular juncture.

When we date unintentionally, we usually fall into what I call the “you’ll do!” pattern. This leaves us vulnerable to developing unhealthy relationships. We may find ourselves with people who are not-so-great for us.

Usually this happens due to no ill-intent. Most of us receive precious little guidance on what a healthy intimate relationship looks like. We don’t know health when we see it and, consequently, we don’t recognize dysfunction when we’re living it!

Having spent thousands of hours working with individuals and couples from all walks of life, I am in a unique position to offer you an honest assessment of your relationship's strengths and growth edges. I can help guide you on the path to cultivating the kind of relationship you truly want.

Questions About Sex and Sexuality

The transition from a conversation partner to a sexual partner is an exciting one and can be an invigorating part of dating! But it can also drum up all sorts of questions and concerns, including:

How soon to be sexual with a new partner
How to pursue a “hook up” with integrity
How to pursue sex with a potential longer-term partner
How to pursue multiple sexual partners with integrity i.e. “playing the field”
Communicating sexual preferences and desires
Consent and protection against unwanted pregnancy and/or STIs
Concerns about sexual confidence
When and how to talk about previous sexual partners
Sexual performance anxiety
Dealing with sexual regret or other intense feelings that may follow being sexual with a new person
General sex education
Questions or curiosities about sexual orientation/sexual partner preferences

As a sexual health professional, I am in a position to help you with all of these areas and more. If, in the course of dating, you find yourself in need of a competent and compassionate professional with whom to discuss sexual concerns, please do not hesitate to reach out.

Deliberate Singlehood or "Single On Purpose"

Many clients who seek help with dating do so because they are desperate for connection and not because they are ready to date. Sometimes we conclude that a period of deliberate singlehood or "single on purpose" is more beneficial than frantically bouncing from app to app. This creates intentional space to build or rebuild a life before seeing how someone else might fit into it.

Culturally, we tend to elevate relationships (particularly monogamy) above singlehood. Many approach singlehood as something to get out of as soon as possible, as though they've fallen into a vat of boiling water! "Single on purpose" pushes back against this dominant narrative and invites you to embrace your full individuality, freedom, and autonomy.

Importantly, being single on purpose -- whether it's a lifestyle or a life chapter -- does not mean you are not open to connection. It's merely a mental shift away from viewing singleness as "bad." I find that subsequent shifts into relationships tend to be much more intentional, and driven by love and commitment, rather than desperation.

Recommended Resources

Hayden's "Laundry List of Things to Consider Besides Attractiveness!"

So you're dating someone, and they're pretty hot... congrats!!! But are they a good match? Early infatuation can blind us to other issues. In this not-so-short-but-oh-so-sweet list, I'll break down the most important things you should be considering in a mate besides just being easy on the eyes.

Coming Soon!

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