PREMARITAL COUNSELING

“If we want extraordinary relationships, we have to be extraordinary IN them."
― Terry Real

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About Premarital Counseling

Preparing for marriage is an exciting time that is full of joy, celebration, and hope for the future. But in the midst of planning a wedding, it’s easy to overlook the deeper work of preparing for life together. Marriage is more than a beautiful day; it’s a long-term partnership that requires communication, patience, and mutual respect.

Premarital counseling offers a dedicated space to explore your strengths as a couple and prepare for the inevitable challenges ahead. It’s a chance to slow down, connect more deeply, and ensure you’re entering marriage with clarity on your goals, values, and priorities.

Many couples enter marriage with unspoken expectations or unresolved questions that only surface later under stress. Premarital counseling brings these into the open in a safe and supportive way.

We'll explore key areas like:

-Communication and conflict resolution

-Family dynamics and cultural values

-Finances and decision-making

-Intimacy, sex, and emotional connection

-Roles, responsibilities, and daily life

-Beliefs about marriage and long-term goals

Even apparently healthy relationships can benefit from premarital counseling. Premarital counseling can help you work through current issues before taking the leap, but it can also prepare you for future challenges. Premarital counseling is associated with lower divorce rates, lower relationship conflict, and higher quality in your relationship (Carlson et al., 2012). Whether you’re on your first marriage or your fourth, or foregoing traditional marriage altogether but still wanting to safeguard your future, this process helps you build a solid foundation for the years to come.

Benefits of Premarital Counseling

Learn how to manage conflicts with care and respect

Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship, but how you handle them makes all the difference. Premarital counseling equips you with tools to navigate conflict without blame, shutdowns, or escalation. You'll learn to stay connected even in the midst of tension, so that challenges become opportunities for growth, not disconnection.
Support in discussing difficult topics

Couples often decide to get married when their relationship is at a high point. If things between the two of you are going well, you may be tempted to avoid "rocking the boat" by bringing up difficult topics or concerns. Premarital counseling can provide a space to address these challenges head on, rather than avoid them. The result is increased closeness and confidence, and a greater capacity for shared joy and connection.
Getting on the same page about family planning

It's not uncommon for couples to be together many years without having an honest conversation about family planning. Other couples find early on that they are on different pages but expect the other will "change their minds." Premarital counseling creates a space for an open dialogue about hopes, dreams, and fears concerning family planning.
Exploring and nurtuting sexual intimacy

I often say that comparing new relationship sex to committed sex is like comparing apples to oranges. They are entirely different things! Still, contrary to popular media, passion needn't die after the honeymoon! Premarital counseling can help you maintain an open dialogue about sexual intimacy, ensuring a pleasurable, fulfilling sex life for both of you for years to come.
Household duties and division of labor

It's not the sexiest conversation, but opening an ongoing dialogue about household duties will save you a lot of grief in the future. In fact, I'd rate conflicts about division of labor among the top issues I see in distressed couples. Perhaps you have a handle on it now, while living separately, for example. But what happens if one of you takes a more demanding job? Or you have kids? Or move into a bigger place with more upkeep? Take in a relative or aging parent? Premarital counseling can arm you with the tools you need to have these conversations and ensure the split feels equitable.

Gain a clearer understanding of one anothers values, goals, and priorities

A strong relationship is built on shared understanding. Premarital counseling helps you uncover and clarify what matters most to each of you -- your hopes, fears, long-term goals, and guiding values. These conversations create deeper connection and alignment, helping you move forward together with purpose and mutual respect.
Build confidence in your readiness for marriage

If one of you is pushing for marriage while the other avoids, a lack of confidence -- not love -- could be to blame. Marriage is a big decision, and it's normal to have questions or uncertainties. Unfortunately, many couples get sucked into cycles of arguing that don't actually build confidence, and may do the opposite. Premarital counseling can help you strengthen your connection and develop a sense of shared readiness for the commitments ahead.
Preparing for shared financial decisions aka "financial intimacy"

Unspoken assumptions about money can quietly erode trust and create long-term strain in a marriage. Premarital counseling helps you address financial topics early -- like spending habits, debt, budgeting, and future goals -- so misunderstandings don’t turn into resentment. By having these conversations now, you can avoid common pitfalls and start your life together with clarity and alignment.
Build shared vision of your life together

Marriage isn't simply about "being" together. It is about building together. Everything from the town you move to, to the community you choose, to the job you take, to the home you live in becomes a shared decision. Premarital counseling can illuminate how each of you makes decisions so that you can better collaborate to make your shared vision a reality.
Management of "Thirds"

"Thirds" is a term I use to refer to any person, activity, or other entity that exists outside of your relationship. If you and your partner are "one and two," then the management of thirds becomes paramount! Thirds include friends, family, children, exes, work, hobbies, substances, and yes, therapists! Thirds are not necessarily bad and, if properly arranged, can support the couple in thriving, but mishandled thirds can interfere with the couple's connection. Therapy can help develop shared awareness and language for communicating lovingly about thirds in a way that works for both of you.

Common Reasons For Seeking Premarital Counseling

Anxiety or Uneasiness About Marriage

It's not uncommon for one partner to feel more confident about marriage than the other. Unfortunately, this can lead to a painful dynamic where the less-confident partner feels cajoled and pressured, and the more-confident partner feels abandoned and unloved.

In many cases, a lack of confidence, not a lack of love, is to blame. Premarital counseling can be a wonderful place to explore the roots of the anxiety. I can help you ask the right questions to ascertain if your "cold feet" is something that can be resolved with open dialogue, or a symptom of a more serious disconnect that should be addressed.

Marriage is a hugely important decision! You both deserve to feel chosen, and confident in your choice and shared readiness to move forward in your life together.

Desire to Prevent Divorce

No one gets married expecting to be divorced one day! And yet there is something powerful about acknowledging this looming potentiality rather than denying it. It's not enough to say "it won't happen to us!" You have to take active steps towards nurturing safety and trust, and sidestepping the hurt and resentment that leads to separation.

Unfortunately, most of us don't receive a ton of education in healthy relationships. Despite our best intentions, we may find ourselves recreating painful patterns from childhood, or acting out in ways that unintentionally harm the bond with our partners. Many more relationships fall victim to neglect and a lack of awareness.

Premarital counseling has been shown to decrease divorce rates and increase relationship satisfaction. Relationship science has illuminated with incredible specificity the kinds of interactions that build a bond, and the kinds that break it. Though relationships remain more art than science, evidenced-based approaches can set you and your partner up for marital success!

Unresolved Early Relationship Conflicts

Many couples I work with tell me that their relationship had "a rocky start." When it comes to relationships, we are all "learning on the job," so in some ways it makes sense that it's fairly common to "stumble out of the blocks!"

The beginning of a relationship is an exquisitely tender time. The foundations of safety and trust are still being established, and so comparatively small ruptures can have a disproportionate effect. Unfortunately, a lot of couples end up sweeping these incidents under the rug, either because they don't know how to repair, or they don't understand how damaging these early injuries can be. Other couples ride the high of new relationship infatuation and ignore or blow right through concerns only to have them come up later.

Premarital counseling can be a wonderful opportunity to compassionately and kindly revisit these historic wounds so that you and your partner can step into your future with clarity and confidence. One of my refrains is "we only bring up old wounds to heal them!" If you suspect that an early relationship conflict or injury is still impacting you, now is the time to address it before it has a negative impact!

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